


Right Now You Can't Tell

by Nara



Series: The Mental Illness Chronicles [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-08 02:11:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12854514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara/pseuds/Nara
Summary: Just because you're in love and you have everything you could have wanted doesn't mean your depression goes away





	Right Now You Can't Tell

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back again with another Yuri!!! on Ice fic that is based on my personal life.
> 
> This characterization of Viktor is popular in fandom, but I don't know how canon it is.
> 
> Warnings for suicidal ideation and other suicide related things, though there is no character death!

_All day, staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall. And all night hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good or something. Hold on, I'm feeling like I'm heading for a breakdown, and I don't know why._

Viktor lay in bed, unable to sleep. Yuuri lay beside him, snoring away, one arm casually thrown over Viktor's waist. Viktor's thoughts whirled and spiraled. He had just made his comeback as a figure skater, winning gold in the Russian Nationals. He continued to be Yuuri's coach, and not only that, he and Yuuri were engaged and very much in love. Viktor was on top of the world, or at least, he should have been _. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve him_. Slowly, so as not to wake his sleeping love, Viktor eased himself from the bed and walked to look out the window. He put his hand on the glass and sighed. It was this creeping feeling of worthlessness, of undeservingness that caused him to quit skating and become Yuuri's coach in the first place. He thought he had needed something new, something to inspire him. And for a time, it worked. But slowly he began to miss the ice and desire to skate again, to fly free. But he didn't want to lose what he had with Yuuri. Now he had both, but he couldn't help the feeling that he was drowning. _There must be something wrong with me._

_But I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know, right now you can't tell. But stay a while and baby then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know, right now you don't care. But soon enough you’re gonna think of me, and how I used to be…me._

Viktor took Makkachin for a walk to clear his head in the morning. The excited yips of his poodle were enough to bring a smile to his face, but not enough to chase the thoughts from last night away. _What is wrong with me? I have everything I ever wanted_. He sighed and kicked at a rock, Makkachin bounding ahead. When he looked up, there were people staring. He knew it was because he was THE Viktor Nikiforov, Russia’s ice skating king. People recognized him on the streets, they stopped him and asked for autographs, and now especially that he and Yuuri were together, there were squeals of adoration for Ice Skating’s Power Couple. But Viktor couldn’t help but think they were staring right through him. They could see that he was a phony, an imposter. _Can’t you see that I’m just faking it?_ He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. But he had an image to maintain. And wasn’t that just more than he could handle? He gathered up Makkachin and they ran back home. Viktor barely made it through the door before he burst into tears. He didn’t used to be like this. Not when he was a teenager. He had loved to skate and lived to skate. But over the years something inside him broke. He still loved skating, but it wasn’t enough anymore. _He_ wasn’t enough anymore. He needed to get away. He couldn’t do this. He just…had enough. Viktor slowly crept into his room and saw Yuuri still fast asleep on the bed. He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. He leaned over and kissed Yuuri on top of the head. Yuuri murmured something in his sleep, but did not wake. He walked back out into the living room and looked around for a pen and paper. He started writing, but kept going back and crossing it off. He made a frustrated sound before tearing the paper off and crumpling it into a ball. He scribbled just one sentence and placed the note on the countertop.

 

**_Goodbye, my solnyshko – I love you, I’m sorry._ **

_Talking to myself in public, dodging glances on the train. But I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me, I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me. Out of all the hours thinking, somehow I’ve lost my mind._

Viktor climbed up the stairs of the apartment building to the roof slowly. His mind was numb. He didn’t know what he was doing until he found himself standing on the ledge of the roof. He took a deep breath and…his cellphone rang. He fished it out of his pocket, wondering why he had brought it with him. He checked the caller ID – Yuuri. Viktor declined the call. He couldn’t handle talking to Yuuri right now. He would break down, just hearing his voice. His phone rang again, insistently. He let it go to voicemail. Looking down at the ground beneath him, he began to get dizzy. _I can’t do this._ He stepped back onto the roof and sat down, hanging his head. _I can’t even do this right_. His phone rang again. This time, he picked up.

“Viktor? Vitya! Thank god. Where are you?” Yuuri sounded frantic. Viktor choked back a sob.

“Rooftop”

“Hang on, Viktor, I’ll be right there! Don’t move! Please, don’t move!”

Viktor dropped his phone to the ground, not bothering to hang up, and he began to cry. A moment later, Yuuri burst through the door to the rooftop, still in his pajamas, looking absolutely panicked. When he saw Viktor, he let out a little breath of relief, before rushing forward and grabbing Viktor in a tight hug.

"Vitya, my Vitya! Thank god. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!”

Through his tears, Viktor was confused. He pulled back and looked into Yuuri’s deep brown eyes which were flushed with concern and regret.

“Why are you sorry?” he whispered.

Yuuri didn’t relinquish his hold. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Viktor do you even know how scared I was when I saw your note? Viktor…Viktor, Viktor! I can’t do this without you!” Yuuri began sobbing.

Viktor looked at Yuuri in shock. He hadn’t thought…he hadn’t thought of what it might have been like for Yuuri, but at the time, he hadn’t cared. It was too much for him to handle. He began to cry again.

“Yuuri! I never wanted you to think I couldn’t talk to you. I never wanted you to feel upset, or cry for me. I guess….I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. I…I didn’t want to.”

They clung to each other on the rooftop, crying together until the tears no longer flowed and their eyes were dry. They made their way back down to their apartment, and Yuuri made tea. Viktor sat on the couch silently until Yuuri joined him.

“Yuuri…” he began, but then faltered. He didn’t know what to say. _I think I’m a little crazy._

_But I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know, right now you can't tell. But stay a while and baby then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know, right now you don't care. But soon enough you’re gonna think of me, and how I used to be_

Yuuri took a deep breath and reached for Viktor’s hand. Viktor grabbed on and squeezed tightly, as if he was afraid Yuuri would disappear.

“Viktor,” Yuuri started slowly, “You know you can talk to me, right? I, I mean. If you want to. You don’t have to keep things bottled up inside. You can let me know. I love you. Whatever you’re going through, we’ll get through together.”

Viktor was silent. Yuuri looked at him then continued. “You…you don’t have to talk to me. You can talk to someone else if you want. But I think…I think I know a little bit what you’re feeling. Stop me if I overstep, or say something wrong, or whatever but…but last year. When Vicchan died and when I fucked up at Sochi and when Yurio found me in the bathroom crying and yelled I just…gave up. I gave up on skating. I gave up…on living.”

Viktor looked up, surprise evident on his features. He knew Yuuri had been a mess, but he also hadn’t thought it had gotten that bad. Yuuri gave him a small smile. “After the banquet, which you know I don’t remember…the only thing I do recall is the next morning. I woke up with a hangover, absolutely miserable. I locked myself in the hotel bathroom with a bottle of pills. I have…I have Ativan…that is, anti-anxiety meds. You know my anxiety gets bad. I try not to take them, they’re addictive. So I always bring them with me but I never take them so I have this full bottle of pills and I’ve given up. I looked up online how many I would need to take to die…and I don’t know if I had enough, but I had enough to do something. I texted Phichit. I wanted to say goodbye, but I think part of me just wanted him to stop me. I wanted to know someone cared enough to stop me. And it worked. Phichit…he ran to my hotel room, banging on my door. He called Celestino and I let them in. They took me to a hospital in Sochi and just…I got this full psych evaluation. I was there for three days before they let me go home. Phichit and Celestino came to check on me every day. And by the end of it…well, I wasn’t fine. But I didn’t want to die anymore. I went home to Hasetsu. I didn’t tell my parents or Mari anything. And then I skated. You saw the video. You know what happens next…and just. My anxiety hasn’t gone away, you know that. But this last year has been the best year of my life. And I’m so glad that I gave myself the chance to have it.”

Tears were dripping into Yuuri’s lap as he finished his story. He looked Viktor in the eye, determination shining through. “I don’t want you to give up that chance. We’ll make it through. We’ll get you whatever help you need, whatever help you want. And I’ll be by your side.”

Viktor smiled. The first true smile he could remember in a long time. “Yuuri…” he whispered and then he took a deep breath. “I won’t…I won’t keep it inside anymore.”

_I’ve been talking in my sleep. Pretty soon they’ll come to get me, yeah they’re taking me away._

Viktor and Yuuri sat on that couch all day. They talked and cried and held each other close. They figured out a plan. Viktor would find a psychiatrist. Yuuri would go with him. And whatever happened next would happen next. 

Viktor was not alone and he knew, from that point on, he would fight.

_But I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell, I know, right now you can't tell. But stay a while and baby then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know, right now you don't care. But soon enough you’re gonna think of me, and how I used to be_

 


End file.
